From Families to Offices: Why One Person Always Becomes ‘The Scapegoat’

Almost every family has one. Every office too. The person who somehow becomes the problem, the one blamed when things go wrong, the one criticised more harshly, the one everyone quietly agrees is “difficult.” Sometimes it’s the child who’s “too sensitive,” the sibling who “never listens,” the colleague who’s “not a team player.” And often, the truth is far more complex than the label.

Scapegoating isn’t always loud or cruel. Sometimes it’s subtle like eye rolls in meetings, jokes disguised as feedback, or silence when that person speaks. Over time, the message becomes clear: you carry what we don’t want to look at.

What Is Scapegoating, Psychologically?

From a psychological perspective, scapegoating is a defence mechanism used by groups to manage discomfort, anxiety, or conflict. When a system like a family, a team, a workplace is under stress, it looks for relief. Instead of addressing deeper issues like poor communication, power imbalance, or unresolved emotions, the group unconsciously assigns blame to one individual.

This allows the rest to feel temporarily lighter, more united, and less responsible. The discomfort doesn’t disappear; it simply gets transferred.

In family systems theory, the scapegoat often becomes the emotional container for unspoken tension. In organisational psychology, the scapegoat absorbs systemic failures that leadership or structure refuses to acknowledge. Either way, the role isn’t chosen, it’s assigned.

A Story Many Will Recognise

Consider Elakiya, the youngest daughter in a family of four. Growing up, she was labelled “rebellious.” Whenever there was conflict like arguments between parents, stress about finances, disagreements with relatives, Elakiya somehow became the focus. If she spoke up, she was disrespectful. If she stayed quiet, she was sulking. Her behaviour became the explanation for the family’s unease.

Years later, Elakiya found herself in a similar position at work. In team meetings, when deadlines were missed or clients were unhappy, subtle fingers pointed her way. Her mistakes were magnified, her contributions overlooked. She began doubting herself, working harder, apologising more, yet the pattern continued.

It wasn’t incompetence. It was familiarity. Her nervous system had learned how to survive by carrying blame.

Why Certain People Become Scapegoats

Scapegoats are often the ones who are different : more emotionally expressive, more questioning, more honest, or simply less willing to conform. They may be sensitive, creative, or outspoken. Ironically, these are often strengths, but in rigid systems, they become threats.

Scapegoating protects the group from change. If one person is “the issue,” then no one else has to reflect, grow, or take accountability. The system stays intact, at the cost of one person’s emotional well-being. Over time, scapegoated individuals may internalise the blame, developing anxiety, low self-worth, or people-pleasing behaviours. Some become hyper-responsible; others withdraw entirely. The damage is quiet, but deep.

How to Break Free : Gently and Realistically

Breaking out of a scapegoat role doesn’t mean confronting everyone or proving your worth endlessly. It begins with awareness.

Noticing patterns helps. When blame appears repeatedly, pause and ask: Is this really about me or am I carrying something larger?

• Building internal boundaries matters. You can emotionally disengage even when physical distance isn’t possible.
• Naming the dynamic, at least to yourself or in therapy restores clarity and self-trust.
• Seeking spaces where you’re seen accurately helps rebalance your sense of identity.

And for groups and leaders reading this: when one person is constantly blamed, it’s a sign to look at the system, not the individual.

In family settings, breaking free may not look like confrontation, especially in cultures where speaking up feels disrespectful or unsafe. Sometimes it simply means emotionally stepping out of the role you were assigned. You stop over-explaining, stop absorbing every comment, and stop trying to “fix” the family mood. Creating small internal boundaries, seeking validation outside the family system, and reminding yourself that love does not require self-sacrifice are quiet but powerful ways of reclaiming your space. 

Healing, in families, often begins internally, long before it becomes visible externally.

A Closing Thought

If you’ve ever been the scapegoat, know this: your presence didn’t create the problem, it revealed it. You were never “too much” or “the issue.” You were simply holding what others couldn’t face yet.

Healing begins when blame loosens its grip and truth is allowed to surface. And sometimes, the bravest act is stepping out of a role you never agreed to play.

Written By : L. Padma Swathy
Counselling Psychologist, Chennai