What Not to Say in Relationships According to Gottman

The way we speak in a relationship can be a make-or-break factor. They can bring us together or inch by inch drive us apart. Relationship expert and psychologist John Gottman has spent years researching couples to determine what keeps love alive and what kills it. What his research indicates is that some patterns of speaking and responding can be particularly damaging. He refers to these tendencies as the "Four Horsemen," and staying away from them can keep a relationship stable and intact.

The Four Horsemen: 

• Criticism

It's natural to get frustrated or angry in a relationship, but there's a distinction between criticizing a situation and insulting your partner's character. Criticism goes too far when you tell your partner things like, "You never listen," or "You're so selfish," rather than discussing what specifically went wrong. When you criticize, the other person hears that they are the problem, not their actions. This creates resentment and dissolves love over time. Use "I feel" statements and state the situation, not the individual. For instance, rather than "You always forget things," say, "I feel hurt when plans are forgotten."

• Defensiveness

When we are blamed, we want to defend ourselves or explain. "Well, you're not perfect either," in reply to your partner saying, "I get angry when you leave dishes in the sink," is defensive and destroys the opportunity for an open conversation. Being defensive suggests unwillingness to take responsibility and often turns small issues into bigger arguments. Take some of the blame and listen to your partner's feelings, even if you don't entirely see things their way. A simple "I can see why that irritated you. I'll try to be more careful" can be very effective.

• Contempt

Annoyance is just one part of contempt; others involve acting superior to your partner or showing disdain. This can be shown through eye rolling, sarcasm, put-downs, mocking, or bad language. Gottman's studies state that the biggest breakup predictor is contempt because contempt dissolves affection and respect. Saying "You're pathetic" or "You can't do anything right" is really destructive. Show appreciation instead of contempt. Even in a disagreement, try to give credit where it is due to your partner and avoid using irony or mocking them.

• Stonewalling

At times, arguments become too much, and the simplest reaction may be to say nothing at all. Stonewalling occurs when a partner withdraws by means of silent treatment, ignoring, or sudden departure without saying a word. Although it may appear to be a conflict avoidance behaviour, it tends to leave the other partner feeling rejected and unvalued. Stonewalling tends to occur because someone is "flooded" with too much emotion, but unless this is clarified, it can damage connection.  If you do require a time-out, tell your partner. Say, "I feel overwhelmed. Let's take a break and discuss this in half an hour" And then be sure to return to the conversation once you have cooled down.

Steering clear of the Four Horsemen is only the beginning. Gottman also focuses on what to do in order to maintain a strong and lasting love:

1. Use kind and respectful words, even when you're upset
2. Be responsible for your words and actions.
3. Express gratitude and appreciation, even for little things,
4. When tensions rise, employ "repair attempts", such as a gentle joke or saying, "Let's begin again", to ease the situation.

What you don't say in a relationship can be as influential as what you do say. By avoiding criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling and instead choosing kindness, responsibility, respect, and open communication, you build a stronger foundation for love.

Gottman's years of study reveal that true love isn't about never arguing, it's about picking words that build your bridge, not hurt it. Ultimately, how we speak to one another either bridges the gaps or builds walls between us.