Navigating Marriage: Strengthening Communication and Setting Healthy Boundaries
Marriage is a commitment of two souls to walk together on the same life journey. But we can see so many issues in marriage life from the people around us. Why does this happen? Let’s concentrate on the one recent major issue of dowry and its consequences.
Dowry and Marriage
In the past month, there are 2 dowry related suicides reported in Tamil Nadu. According to NCRB (National Crime Records Bureau), 6,450 deaths were registered in India because of dowry related issues. This happens because the burden to adjust in a family setting always falls on the women. It is being instigated that women are the one who should adjust, adapt to the demands of the in-laws family. And the female’s complaint against her in-laws goes unaddressed by the husband and even by her parents. This gives rise to the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and because of that, women stop voicing it out and stop seeking help. It’s heartbreaking that some families instil the thought in their own daughter that a woman should obey and abide by the practice of the in-law’s house. “If you die, die at your husband’s house, don’t come back to us”, “If there is an issue it’s because you didn’t know how to handle the family and people”, “Everything will be fine after sometime” is what a girl hears from their parents after marriage.
Marriage should not be a life sentence or silent suffering. It's not a compromise, it’s a commitment. Adjustment is important but it should never cost one’s mental peace. There exists a very thin line between healthy compromise and unhealthy submission.
When can one adjust? - Role of Adjustment
Flexibility in expectations
Every couple should understand that there is no perfect person. Real life is entirely different from fantasy. There should be an understanding that what we see in social media, series and movies are not realities. Things won’t go as we wish so expectations should be modified based on the context's importance.
Adapting to life transitions together
After marriage both couples take on a new role as husband and wife. There can be confusions, dilemmas, difficulty in adapting to routine and new environments. The couple should support each other to make the transition smoother. This is not only for newly married couples. Once they start their life journey together, they will undergo lots of life transitions from husband & wife, Dad & Mom to Grandfather & Grandmother. There should be a mutual understanding and flexibility to come across this role changes and should support each other by performing their role better.
Balancing individuality and togetherness
There is no perfect couple who matches exactly with the other partner. There will be differences in things they like, in their habits, routines, their personality and so on. The trick is to understand better and give the space for the partner to enjoy their individuality, uniqueness. Don’t restrict the other partner to be yourself and don’t push yourself to be like your partner.
Unhealthy adjustments
It occurs when one partner makes more adjustments than the other which will create conflict and disturb their well-being.
When one partner completely loses their sense of identity after the marriage.
When they tolerate abuse, humiliation from the family for a longer run.
Normalizing abuse, and its sufferings as part of marriage life.
Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries saves the relationship and make it possible for a longer run. Boundary doesn’t mean creating distance, it creates respect and gives time and space to protect their individuality.
Personal Boundaries
It helps to respect each other’s own space and embrace their life by being themselves. Create your own emotional space and personal time. Sometimes it helps to get the energy you loose with people.
Family Boundaries
As a couple, make a clear boundary when to make individual decisions and when to make joint decisions along with the family.
Social Boundaries
Make some agreements between yourself on the limits regarding friendships, social media usage and interactions and opposite gender relationships. So that you can avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Conflict boundaries
Do not drag your personal conflicts to public spaces or allow verbal or physical abuse in the name of anger.
Communication – The key for lasting marriage
Last but not the least, communicate with your partner. Communication is an important aspect for a happy and lasting marriage.
Communicate your needs properly without any fear of judgment.
Appreciate the efforts of your partner.
Show your affection by means of words too.
Actively listen and understand your partner’s emotion.
PhD Scholar in Psychology, University of Madras.
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